Inspired by No3ik's post: See the sun
I've been questioned by many dear friends and readers for the reason of my sudden lack of posting.. At first I would make up excuses.. I traveled.. I got back.. I got buzy.. I'm lazy.. which all had a significant attribution to my "silent mode".. but then I came to the realization that I am merely lost.. lost for words.. no words or language could express what I had to say.. a few more days went by and still no post... no sign of DiiGMaa..
She was gone... Secluded herself in the sanctuary of her empty lonesome home and disappeared.. She stopped going out.. stopped answering calls and was just LOST..
Not that I don't have anything to say.. bil3ax, regardless of the many posys that I have decided to save as drafts rather than post them, I finally found what it was that I've been unconcsiously trying to say.. I've been trying to hold it in for too long... almost a year has passed and still I smile and act like the strong woman erevyone tells me they want to be like..
I still have nightmares about it.. They haunt me even when I'm awake.. we still haven't moved.. and the memory of him in every room of the house kills me..
I found the words that I want to say:
You never had a bite of the cake I got you on your 27th birthday.. just 2 days before you died... in my arms...
I've been questioned by many dear friends and readers for the reason of my sudden lack of posting.. At first I would make up excuses.. I traveled.. I got back.. I got buzy.. I'm lazy.. which all had a significant attribution to my "silent mode".. but then I came to the realization that I am merely lost.. lost for words.. no words or language could express what I had to say.. a few more days went by and still no post... no sign of DiiGMaa..
She was gone... Secluded herself in the sanctuary of her empty lonesome home and disappeared.. She stopped going out.. stopped answering calls and was just LOST..
Not that I don't have anything to say.. bil3ax, regardless of the many posys that I have decided to save as drafts rather than post them, I finally found what it was that I've been unconcsiously trying to say.. I've been trying to hold it in for too long... almost a year has passed and still I smile and act like the strong woman erevyone tells me they want to be like..
I still have nightmares about it.. They haunt me even when I'm awake.. we still haven't moved.. and the memory of him in every room of the house kills me..
I found the words that I want to say:
You never had a bite of the cake I got you on your 27th birthday.. just 2 days before you died... in my arms...
I miss my childhood friend, my mentor, my protector, my flesh and blood... I miss my brother...
P.S. thanx No3ik
22 comments:
Allah yer7ema
Sweetheart, you are a brave woman. I am so proud of you. I'm glad you said those words. You needed to let them out of your head. It's been a while..
I'm truly speechless..
Oh dear God...that was sad...No matter what is said..it could never replace such a loss...I'm so sorry..Allah yer7amah...o Allah yesa3dich..
you know what, i felt it in you from the first time i said hi.
After some time you will notice how you can feel others with a passed away loved ones.
My Lovely Diigma, I FEEL YOU, and i know exactly what you are going through because i've been there lived it and know it.
I'm sure he misses seeing you happy when you are all alone, i am sure he hate the fact that you are faking your laughs, i am sure he is hurt that you are endouring your self in sadness over his death... and this is just hurting him.
Do you want to hurt him?
my love diigma you love him, you miss him and you want the best for him, don't you?
Fresh up young lady, wash your face, and look into this world, how many people out there are missing alive ones and how many others are living on the hope to meet a love one who passed away.
This lovely lady shouldn't keep you indoors hiding your tears, It should push you outdoors refreshing your mind and doing every thing that would make you understand the reason he was gone.
you should be stronger diigma love, because you are strong. Don't do what we did before you, it just didn't help us get out of it at all.
20 years ago my father passed away and i never became stronger toward it ... and i don't want you be reach what i reached or live what i lived because it might affect you negativly than strenthining your skin.
Sweet heart; once i met an old mother who couldnt stop crying every time she meets me because i reminded her of her daughter.. that lady couldn't stand the weekness she was going through and decided to write down what she felt about her daughter death. Today this old women who can barely write, has a published book in the stores here in kuwait and every time i meet her and ask her about her daughter, she smiles and tells me "i'm happy she's over there protected"
allah yer7ama o yesakna janatah ya rab.
Don't miss him, because he is with you and around you, you just can't see it.
Be strong you young women, don't let your tears lock you in, if every one will hide because of such a thing then my love you wont see a single person in the streets and this world would have become a dark place that sophicates us.
i know its hard... let him be your inspiration.
write about him, talk about him, and we will hear and see your words, and believe me that will open doors of success to your heart where your feelings will push you to success instead or hiding.
I got your back Diigma yal emchaknoma, and i know you can do it.
Allah yer7uma. *huGz* I'm here for you if you ever need to talk.
allah yir7ima..
3a'6um Allah ajrich
Allah yer7mah inshallah.. I second Paps you are truly a brave woman.. You needed to say those words that were kept inside your heart and I'm sure he knows about that and he is proud of you..
*hugs*
Love you ;*
Alah ekoon ib 3oonich 7abeebty. I know how you feel sometimes, my close cousin who was my best friend passed away only a few meters away from me. He was killed and I couldnt do anything about it. I really loved the guy, and we just travelled with my parents a week before that. I pray for him whenever I think about him, and I know he is looking down smiling on me and his family. He was loved by all.
Please remember the amazing times you had with your brother. O 7abeebt I know its hard, but you will deal with it in your own way.
I'm sorry for what you're going through hun! Allah yir7am your brother and may he rest in peace! I do wanna say that we miss you and that you can always run to us for anything you need especially for a shoulder to cry on! You are a great person and you don't deserve to do this to yourself! We love you, 7abeebti and feel free to get in touch with us!
ALlah yer7ema enshalah o eqamed ro7a el yanah
yej3alha akher el a7zan dear o el bega eb rasech enshalah
Post mo2ther o 9ej destay 3al diigmaa hal mara :)
Allah yer7ama...
May God rest his soul in peace.
Ur post is full of powerful emotions.
Allah yer7ama
Sij athar feeny hal post. I don't think I can say anymore.
OMG!
digma 7beeeeebty entay :*
i really wanted to hug u!
sorry wallah i know i dont know u.
bs i really do.....! madre shasawe ? :(
sweeeets. im touched moved and heart broken.
i totally know how u feel.
i spent the "last" night with my mom, talking for hours, sleeping in her lap, stroking my hair we were happy we were laughing! it was like we were saying goodbye, but we didnt know it.
then BANG, the next morning i wake up, call her at work....
all they can say is "ur mommy passed away sweety"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
soooooooo ......
ok i cry, faint, kick , go crazy
hate my self, miss her like hell,
want to die, cry more, take pills,
go to the hospital ...
and then what ?
where does it come to an end.
is there an end ?
my daily life is an act.
i act as if im happy,
im happy but im crushed. im sure u know how that feels.
there is nothing ucan do about it.
that's what i thought.
but then i did something, and it did help.
i wrote about it:
http://no3ik.blogspot.com/2006/05/touch-me-again.html
writing about how u feel, writing about the things u don't want to even talk about. really helps a lot.
what i know for sure, you will never again be the person u used to be. u get to change, and u never change back.doesnt have to be good or bad, its just simply a change. ur a different person, u feel different bout everything around u, even the people u know.
some times i miss the old me, the one who was just living, this peaceful happy silly life .
but then again, i have me now, i know after she left, she became part of me, that is why Ive changed.
your brother is part of you 7bebty
he is in ur heart in ur memory in ur soul. they dont just leave, they always leave something for you to keep. believe me when i say ur brother is with you.
i hope u feel better
im very proud of you, u opened up! takes lot of courage to do so.
im so honoured that i had the littlest part to do with ur post.
love u sis :*
Paps:
It has been a while.. thanx for the support.. tara walla a7ibich wayed ;**
MissCosmo:
I agree nothing will replace the loss.. thanx 7ayati ;***
Judy:
yes.. many ppl tell me they see it in me.. behind my smile there a lot unsaid.. I just never realised it showed so much.. I'm really sorry about your Father and I am here to talk if you like,, and the old woman that wrote the book.. such an inspiring story,, I'd love to read..
7ayati my darling sweet lovinf juddy thanx so much for your comforting words ;**
Toomz:
Sweetums I wouldn't mind a *hug* and an adventurous ride would make me smile..
baroque:
yezaach allah khair.. thanx B.
3baid:
ajerna o ajrik.. thanx for the support 7abeby..
Nunu:
7abooba yezaach allah khair thanx for showing me u believe in me.. I love you more 7ayati ;**
Marzouq:
awalan welcome to my blog 7abeby.. sorry you visited me on such a sorrowful post.. but like they say "bad news makes good news" I guess..
I'm sorry about your cousin.. allah yer7ima.. I'm sure he knows he's greatly missed and loved and that makes him smile too... thanx for your kind words and support.. I always remember him in good light.. and I hope u visit on a brighter day 7abeby ;**
Stallion:
thanx for the support 7ayati.. I miss you all too and love you all for the support... sorry I'm in a state of awe but I'm feeling better and can't wait to get back to regular life with the ppl that are there for me ;***
Zizo:
7abbeeeb galbi kallamit erayo7 mashkoor ma ga9art.. yezaak allah khair o allh yisma3 minik inshallah.. you made me smile about the "distay 3ala diigmaa" heheh ur so cute ;***
Bella Color:
Welcome to my space Darling.. again sorry you popped in on such a sad post.. I hope to see you back on a lighter note..
yezaach allah khair... and I guess the powerful emotions are straight from the heart..
DR:
yezaach allah khair 7ayati...
i hope hal post can make il ta2ther into something possitive.. like love your friends, family more and pray for those that passed and that I am here for you if you ever felt like you need to say anything more;**
No3ik:
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh what can I say !!!
ta3aalay ta3alay *with open arms*
BIIIIGGGGGG HHHUUUUUGGGGGG ;****
awalan.. thanx for the insperation..
thaniyan... I'm sorry about what you had to go through... seems there are many of us out there... and I really really aprieciate ur support..I do feel better thanx for helping out and I'm proud of you too... I'm always here if u need anything..
lovez youz lotseeez ;******
walla inich 3asal... you love to listen to me :) :) girl i'm the one who should be listening to you :)
cheer up ..
every death is a start of a new life.
i read this when u first posted but couldn't bring myself to comment..i'll never forget that day..that msg u sent..seeing u that first day stroking ur hair while u told us what happened..that wasn't digma..i don't know who that was and i know it's hard and i don't know how long it's gona take but our digma's coming back..slowly but surley..stay strong darling we're all here for u
New post please
Juddy:
;***
Tinks:
it was an experience for all of us and I'm glad I have frineds like you that are there for me at the hardest of times..
Love you ;***
Paps:
New Post Posted :D
your a sweetheart! keep smiling! And I always post a hell of a lot of info! O inshalla you smile everyday! Keep your head up!
Allah yer7ama.
You are an amazing person DiiGMaa and a strong woman. You are truly admired for your courage. ***
Caffy Baby:
Thanx for your sweet words... I know I can always count on you ;***
Allah yer7ma,,
im really sorry to hear that , very difficult situation i can't say i feel you cause i can't , nobody can
i share the loss pain of a very dear person ,
you didn't suffer the loss , you suffered the slow moments
bs honey it all happened for a reason , he's too young to die this way , no?
i think he's lucky that he left us too early to go to a better place
don't you believe that whom god loves are chosen? (enshalla)
being closed and teary and never moving on is wrong!
if u love him really , ed3ela , WAYED
he's too lucky that he still has his parents to (yad3ola) cause enshallah do3a2 elwaldain mostajab :)
isn't he the lucky person here?
Allah ey3enich walla , i know its hard , but fight it "for him" ;*
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